because my perspective changed

auntie tiffany understands what i’m going through.
jerry you might be able to comfort me or calm me down.

but i really can’t do this alone.
breakdown #2.

mom, dad, i’m sorry.

so for grad prank a bunch of grads painted the walls, and blacked out the sign at PW. The school is now charging them.

Thing is, Jerry and his bunch already paid like $400 each. Now, they’re using really really pathetic means to get them to pay another $400.

1) spamming his facebook (duh so useful because it’s blocked in china right?)
2) going after me.

Wow man up guys, just confront his family directly, don’t have to indirectly go to his girlfriend or go on facebook. What are you? ten years old? This isn’t some playground bullying/catch. It’s business, and god, you guys are underhanded. Disgusts me.

I don’t have a thermometer or anything but holy shit it’s much too hot to sleep. I went to sleep at 11 last night but for the past two hours I’ve been just tossing and turning. Came online to see if Jerry came online, but to no avail.. :( I miss you so much people at work noticed my a bit less chipperness.

Interior designing must be so fun.

I have nothing else on my mind.

Lately I’ve been reminded of what love is, especially through the love of Christ, but also from the love of my parents, and of course Jerry.

A week or so ago I went to dinner with Jerry’s family friend who was Christian and happened to know my mom at her church. We ended up watching a video of a sermon conference.. and it reminded me of what I believed in. It wasn’t that I believed in something blindly although I didn’t know the answers to some questions. It was because when I accept Jesus, I accept a love that is true, pure, and undying. I am peaceful when I make decisions through prayer, and I feel comfort talking about my problems and sorting them out with my brothers and sisters. I just still can’t get over the fact that I sound overly pretentious as a ‘religious’ person when I describe how I feel about life with God in mine.

Kaitlin showed me a movie: “Fireproof” which was about a couple breaking apart because personal interests became too self absorbant and the intimacy and love in the relationship was long worn out. After she told him she wanted a divoce his father gave him a 40 day challenge. This challenge was about giving in to your partner, loving them for who they are, showing an act of kindness to them, loving them for understanding love and not criticizing them. It didn’t matter what it meant for her to reject all of the acts, because he was doing it according to a contract, and not abiding to a covenant that he made with her on the day of their wedding vows.

I know that’s what my mom wants me to have: a marriage firmly placed in God’s hands, where worldly temptations and distractions won’t put out the fire of my marriage. If I were to marry Jerry, I know that he would respect me and love me for who I am: even in our arguments he tells me, I have nothing wrong with me. Not because I’m perfect, but because in love he is willing to accept me all in all. The movie shows that man cannot truly love perfectly unless he has been shown love and understands it. I have yet to find out if that is true, but I know my parents love each other more each day because of my mom’s persistent patience as she prayed for him for the past 14 years.

I’m going to open up to God again, though I won’t take it at face value. I’m going to try and discover the joy and love and peace that I used to feel, while praying for answers to doubts I still have.

Pray for me..